Wednesday, August 22, 2012


I have always enjoyed telling jokes.
And this page screams for one, I think.

I read somewhere once that there are only six jokes.
I have been thinking about this, and have not been able to find a seventh category. Can you?

Most jokes are, of course, a combination of the categories.
1. Wordplay, double meanings.
Straight man: Did you take a shower this morning?
Vaudeville star: No, why? Is there one missing? 

The crazy alphabet 
 (Might help if you read it aloud. Then again, it might not.)
A is for ‘orses,
Beef or mutton
C for swimming
E for brick
(and my personal favourite)
G for police
H before beauty
I for bad cold
Jaffa oranges
K for teria
L for leather
M for sis
N for a penny, N for a pound
O for the garden fence
P for relief
Q for tickets
R for mo
S for as I know
T for two
U for me
V for La France
W for a dollar
X for breakfast
Y for husbands
Z for breezes

 a. Shaggy dog stories
A man takes his dog to the vet, hoping that the vet can do something, but suspecting that his dog is already dead. The vet says he will do some tests to verify that the dog is dead.
A labrador comes into the room and sniffs the dog.
Then a cat comes in and examines the dog closely.
The vet charges the man $500, at which he protests.
The charge is then itemised, as follows:
$20 for the consultation
$100 for the lab test
$380 for the cat scan. 

b. Knock knock jokes 
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Isobel who?
Isobel necessary on a bike? 

2. Poking fun at someone
such as pompous, or religious people, or authorities, or a supposed underclass of people from inferior races, religions and despised musical instrument players.
What’s the difference between a viola and an onion?
No one cries when you cut up a viola! 
a. Pompous, upright person uses or thinks rude words.
Holy Dan
It was in the Queensland drought;
And over hill and dell,
No grass – the water far apart,
All dry and hot as hell.
The wretched bullock teams drew up
Beside a water-hole –
They’d struggled on through dust and drought
For days to reach this goal.
And though the water rendered forth
A rank, unholy stench,
The bullocks and the bullockies
Drank deep their thirst to quench.

Two of the drivers cursed and swore
As only drivers can.
The other one, named Daniel,
Best known as Holy Dan,
Admonished them and said it was
The Lord’s all-wise decree;
And if they’d only watch and wait,
A change they’d quickly see.

’Twas strange that of Dan’s bullocks
Not one had gone aloft,
But this, he said, was due to prayer
And supplication oft.
At last one died but Dan was calm,
He hardly seemed to care;
He knelt beside the bullock’s corpse
And offered up a prayer.

"One bullock Thou has taken, Lord,
And so it seemeth best.
Thy will be done, but see my need
And spare to me the rest!"

A month went by. Dan’s bullocks now
Were dying every day,
But still on each occasion would
The faithful fellow pray,
"Another Thou has taken, Lord,
And so it seemeth best.
Thy will be done, but see my need,
And spare to me the rest!"

And still they camped beside the hole,
And still it never rained,
And still Dan’s bullocks died and died,
Till only one remained.
Then Dan broke down – good Holy Dan –
The man who never swore.
He knelt beside the latest corpse,
And here’s the prayer he prore.

"That’s nineteen Thou has taken, Lord,
And now You’ll plainly see
You’d better take the bloody lot,
One’s no damn good to me."
The other riders laughed so much
They shook the sky around;
The lightning flashed, the thunder roared,
And Holy Dan was drowned. 
b. Pompous person gets his come-uppance
A man goes to a specialist, having been sent by his G P.
The specialist asks: And what advice did that worthless, time waster give you?
Man: He told me to come and see you!

3. Surprise ending
An artist who paints from life is working in his studio at the back of his property on a cold morning.
He says to the model: Put on your clothes and let's have a cup of coffee.
As they are drinking it, he hears footsteps approaching.
He shouts: Quick! Off with your clothes! It's the wife!

4. Jokes about human nature
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but the light bulb has to really want to change. 
a. Jokes about sex 
Man in pub: What do you think about sex before marriage?
Companion in pub: Can't see anything wrong with it.
Man: Me neither. I had sex with my wife before we were married. Did you?
Companion: I might have. What was her name?

 5. Nonsense, surrealist and post-modern jokes
How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
 6. Specialist knowledge jokes ( In Jokes)
 A French teacher takes her class to see Les Misérables.
After the program, a student comments: It was a great show, Miss. But which one was Les?
A violinist asks his pianist friend to rehearse with him for a concert. The pianist asks what he is going to play. The violinist tells him he is playing Paganini. But the pianist glances at the music score and remarks:
That's not Paganini. that's PAGE NINE

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